Hiding out in the bedroom with my coffee, sleeping dogs, and the laptop, the room is bright with the east light of late morning.
I hear giggles, shrieks, and incessant chatter. I smell bacon. More happy girl shrieks.
It is the morning of a sleepover with two of my daughter’s best friends.
Last night they were so loud, shrieking and laughing, and running out into the living room to show us their zombie makeup or the “NOH8” they’d stenciled on their faces like photos on the internet. I looked at my partner, winced, and said:
“I think it’s going to be like this for the next six years.”
He mimed wanting to end it all at the thought.
But I know this is exactly what being 10 years old is supposed to be like . . .
and in this moment I know everything is just as it should be.
Years ago I arrived at a cafe to meet up with someone very important to me. As I had planned, I announced, “M and I are getting married!” “Oh . . .” she replied with her face clenched. “Uh . . . congratulations.”
While this person still has an important place in my life, there is a part of me that will never forgive her for her reaction that day. Our relationship changed a little in that moment.
Today is National Coming Out Day. The truths that people are sharing today are much more important than an engagement announcement. No, really, coming out is more meaningful than announcing that you’re getting married.
Getting married is something you do, being queer is something you ARE.
As the mom of a gay child I often end up being the one to talk through her identity and its significance with adults who’ve just found out. Generally, thankfully, the adults she comes out to know to say “awesome,” “right on,” or “wow.” They save their questions and thoughts for me.
The common responses I get from other adults include:
- How do you know for sure?
- Don’t you think this is just a phase?
- How can she really know at this age? She’s too young to know this.
- She must be confusing her friendship with other girls for romantic attraction.
- Well, I’ll support her, but I wouldn’t wish this on her. It’s going to make her life so much harder.
- That’s so awesome that she knows who she is at this age.
It will be useful to discuss my own responses to each of these statements, as I have with How do you know for sure?, but for right now, on National Coming Out Day I would like to share the reactions that I most appreciate and that are most appropriate.
The best first responses to my daughter’s revelation either when speaking with me or with her include:
- That’s so awesome.
- Congratulations/Mazel tov.
- How exciting.
- Thanks for sharing this with me. I am so happy for you.
(By the way, these statements are equally appropriate for engagement announcements)
If you have questions or concerns, save them. Celebrate that this friend/family member/coworker just chose to share something very personal and potentially dangerous with you. They may feel vulnerable, scared, elated, proud, or more likely some combination of these emotions when they made their reveal.
Honor them and celebrate them first – then when appropriate ask polite questions.
And DON’T go tell someone else. Each person has a right to come out to who they want, when they want.
Please try to smile when you say something. Looking horrified really undermines the sentiment.
At the very least this is all just good manners.
The sleepover dilemma has kept us up more than one night. Do we let our daughter have/go to sleepovers with her female friends, particularly the girl she has a crush on?
Here Dan Savage addresses this very question. (It’s after the discussion of Michele Bachmann’s husband)
The open-minded father of a 14-year-old lesbian wonders if he should allow her to have sleepovers with her girlfriend.
Last night my daughter’s 8-year-old friend “P” came to our house to play with my daughter and her new dolls. Afterwards P’s mom decided she would ask P if she had any questions about her friend being a lesbian. My daughter is 10 and recently came out to everyone, including all her friends.
The mom texted me the following conversation afterwards:
Mom: P, do you have any questions about your friend being a lesbian?
Mom: Okay, ask me anything.
P: When lesbians get married can both of them wear gowns or does one of them HAVE to wear a tux?
* Mom answers question*
Mom: Any other questions?
Mom: So you’re comfortable with everything?
P was happy to hear that both brides can wear wedding dresses if they want. The mom wrote to me with pride, “that’s my girl!”
Perhaps someday what to wear to the wedding will be everyone’s biggest issue with the LGBT community.
One. person. at. a. time.