Dreamgirl X (according to my girl)
Posted: October 10, 2011 Filed under: In her words. | Tags: art, awareness, coming out, love, pride, self conception 1 CommentMy daughter knows her type. When we were playing with the FaceYourManga application a while back she said she was going to make a picture of her ideal girl. After careful creation this lovely gal was created.
The Dreamy Girlfriend
Dreamgirl X is definitely a variation on a couple of girls that caught my daughter’s fancy over the years.
In fact this girl looks like every doll (Barbie and otherwise) that my daughter picked out for herself between years one and three. I guess age four is when you learn from god-knows-where that you are supposed to choose dolls that look like you, not dolls you like the look of.
Interestingly, this imaginary girl also looks suspiciously like her biological dad’s long-time girlfriend. I have heard numerous declarations of how pretty, nice, affectionate, and good smelling the girlfriend is.
When I asked what this girl is like as a person she said, “she’s nice and she loves me.” That sounds like a good start to me.
What to Wear to the Wedding
Posted: October 8, 2011 Filed under: children, Coming out, kids, lesbian, LGBT | Tags: children, coming out, friends, marriage 1 CommentLast night my daughter’s 8-year-old friend “P” came to our house to play with my daughter and her new dolls. Afterwards P’s mom decided she would ask P if she had any questions about her friend being a lesbian. My daughter is 10 and recently came out to everyone, including all her friends.
The mom texted me the following conversation afterwards:
Mom: P, do you have any questions about your friend being a lesbian?
P: Yes.
Mom: Okay, ask me anything.
P: When lesbians get married can both of them wear gowns or does one of them HAVE to wear a tux?
* Mom answers question*
Mom: Any other questions?
P: Nope.
Mom: So you’re comfortable with everything?
P: Yep.
P was happy to hear that both brides can wear wedding dresses if they want. The mom wrote to me with pride, “that’s my girl!”
Perhaps someday what to wear to the wedding will be everyone’s biggest issue with the LGBT community.
One. person. at. a. time.
Haters Get Out!
Posted: October 6, 2011 Filed under: Post | Tags: advocacy, art, coming out, pride, voice Leave a commentOur daughter, like so many other kids her age, uses her bedroom door to express her viewpoints. Since going to Pride her door has been covered in the stickers that she picked up at the parade. Then I printed a map of the US that identifies the different conditions for same-sex union in each state for her and she taped it to her door.
Recently I saw her taping a notice, written on painters’ tape, to her door. It states: Being gay is awesome. Anyone who thinks otherwise GET OUT!
Then she used the Get Out notice made of tape to tape her rainbow flag* to the door.
That's some gay door.
Now that’s a message!
Please note the purple DON’T BE H8N ON THE HOMOS wristband from FCKH8.com hanging on the doorknob. Why be subtle?
*This dirty, wrinkled rainbow flag deserves a post of its own because it has some history. It is the rainbow flag she asked me to buy for her when she was two and a half years old and we were at the Pride parade in NYC. I saved it all these years and recently it has come to have new meaning for her.
In Her Mind’s Eye – My Daughter’s Vision of Herself
Posted: October 5, 2011 Filed under: Post | Tags: art, coming out, pride, self conception, voice Leave a commentWe were messing around with the Face Your Manga application and my daughter wanted to make her self portrait. I was curious about how she sees herself.
My Girl's Self Portrait
I like what she sees!
She understood the idea that she needed to make herself look an appropriate age – not too mature or overdone. I love the t-shirt she made for herself which actually says: I’m gay. I’m proud. It all wouldn’t fit in the photo, so you have to just imagine it.
Another thing that is evident in this picture is that she looks more feminine than she has in the past. This is very accurate.
When she was in third grade and new to the school the kids harassed her about her very short hair and said they couldn’t tell if she was a girl or a boy. In response to what she regarded as incredible stupidity and narrow-mindedness, our little radical cut her hair even shorter and started wearing ties. On special occasions she even wore suits and ties to school.
We have some photos of her dressed for our friends’ wedding where it is really difficult to identify her sex. She was invited by our awesome and aware friends to be an usher in their wedding. This invitation to the wedding party came with the offer that my daughter could wear whatever she wanted.
She wore a pink and green plaid dress and flowery sandals to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner and a gray pinstripe suit to the wedding and reception. (Sometime I’ll tell the story of the lesbian bartender who worked both nights of the wedding weekend and just doted on our girl.)
My daughter look so handsome! In her gray pinstripe suit, blue shirt, and purple and blue striped tie, she was the only usher of the cadre of child-ushers to match the colors-of-the-peacock inspired wedding party outfits perfectly.
Our wonderful, aware friends helped provide her with a wonderful memory of being herself in the best fancy, looking gorgeous way. I also have to raise a note of appreciation to our neighborhood moms for helping put together the special wedding outfit. One dear friend and neighbor donated her son’s black leather dress belt and some ties. Another mom, the mother of my daughter’s arch-nemesis no less (more on him later, for sure) donated her son’s first confirmation suit(!). I love the fact that the elementary school moms in our southern, bible belt city got on board with my girl’s desire to look handsome and play with expectations of gender performance. Of course, if they weren’t the kind of people to get on board with this, they wouldn’t be our friends, right?
My girl’s desire to undermining her classmates expectations of gender performance was her mission throughout third grade. The wedding took place in June after school let out.
When fourth grade commenced playing with gender performance was done. Fourth grade was about educating her classmates about the existence of lesbians and gay men, and raising awareness about marriage inequality.
Fifth grade is about being OUT! And about the existence of lesbians and gay men, and raising awareness about marriage inequality.
I think the intensity of this fifth grade mission is evident in the serious look on the face of the self portrait, especially when coupled with the I’m-queer-I’m-here-get-used-to-it style slogan on the t-shirt.
She’s a lesbian and she’s proud.
I’m proud too.
My Kid Educates Others – Before the Haters Get ‘Em
Posted: October 3, 2011 Filed under: Advocacy | Tags: awareness, coming out, education, equality, pride, school, trust Leave a commentMy daughter began raising LGBT awareness amongst the playground set when she was only seven.
She has come up with numerous strategies for starting the conversation. Some begin on the swing set with “do you have a pet?” and then lead to her own gay awareness campaign.
Some begin in the classroom when they are doing worksheets with “do you know what gay and lesbian means?” When as is generally the case her listener says that they don’t know what gay means she gives them an age appropriate explanation, “men who love men and women who love women” sort of thing.
Then she moves on to gay rights.
More frequently these days she seems to end this discussion with coming out, if the conversation has gone well and she likes the person. She came out to her friends in second grade too, but only to a couple of her close friends.
She shares with me that she is afraid of being bullied in middle school. Yet she hasn’t reported a single negative word that any of her classmates have said to her. As a matter of fact, after a play date last weekend she said her friends made her promise not to tell anyone who is mean, because they couldn’t stand it if anyone was mean to her.
Is it possible that she is going to educate most of her elementary school cohort before the haters get to them?
It appears that the school is going to abdicate any role in LGBT awareness/sensitivity education other than some broad anti-bullying education. Thus, there is a vacuum that my girl is filling on her own.
She has chosen to do this on her own.* She was born a crusader – the kind of little girl who had a superhero alter-identity from an early age. She wore her costume after school, weekends, and holidays for years. So, being a gay superhero comes naturally to her self-conception.
I sure hope my little queer superhero makes the world a better one for herself by educating her peers, instead of being limited to coming out into a world of haters.
*I have my own queer identity and commitments but it never occurred to me to expect it in my child. LGBTness and queer equality was just a part of our world. Her lesbian identity and convictions are all her, separate from me. She was born this way and was lucky enough to be born into a community where she always had the language to describe who she is and the confidence to be herself.
National Coming Out Day, October 11th
Posted: October 2, 2011 Filed under: Advocacy, Events | Tags: advocacy, coming out Leave a commentOctober 11th is National Coming Out Day. This day commemorates the March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights on October 11, 1987. On that day a half a million people brought their bodies and voices to the cause of equal rights.
Now we set aside this day to recognize and celebrate coming out as LGBT. Sometimes we are just waiting for the right opportunity to start the conversation – National Coming Out Day can be that right time. Perhaps I will wear my “SOME KIDS R GAY” t-shirt when I pick-up my daughter?
Here is a link to information about and resources for National Coming Out Day.
We Are Not Alone
Posted: October 1, 2011 Filed under: Post | Tags: coming out, community Leave a comment(Cue ominous music.) We . . . are . . . not . . . alone.
Actually what I mean is that I am writing my heart out here about my own experiences as if my daughter and I are the only two people in the world. That is far from the truth. I have found surprising allies and made great new friends since my daughter has come out to the world. I have linked up with some smart, committed people in my community who care about kids, who care about the LGBT community, and who care about human rights in general. But to do that I had to reach out (and come out) to friends, acquaintances and strangers.
Since she is so young, I have to advocate for her in ways that I might not have to do when she is 14, 18 or 23. Advocating means speaking up and being active in my community. Advocating means remaining stalwart in my commitment and support for her, even if other people disapprove. Advocating means pushing back against being treated as “less than” even when you would rather avoid conflict.
My daughter’s decision to come out has forced me to come out too and I really like who this is forcing me to be. I am not just talking the talk of my beliefs, but walking the walk as well.
As a result of my honesty and conviction I have gained some wonderful fellow travelers. And best of all, I look forward to the life my daughter and I have stretched before us sharing our convictions for equality. She has reminded me who I was, who I have always wanted to be, and who I already am.
It is good not to be alone.
Queer Kids – from Photographer Mark Sharkey
Posted: September 30, 2011 Filed under: In the Press | Tags: art, awareness, coming out, voice Leave a commentMichael Sharkey’s photographs are featured in a Time Lightbox article: Coming Out in America: Mark Sharkey’s Queer Kids. The photos and statements by the kids are wonderful all on their own, but Sharkey’s own reflections on the project are quite provocative as well.
In this article he describes the difference between what he thought the pictures would be about, motivated by his own childhood in the ’80s as compared with what he found in the youth growing up now.
‘I desperately wanted to be made valid in the eyes of my peers. I’ll never forget being punched by a high-school classmate,’ Sharkey told TIME. ‘It was precisely this kind of willful, painful defiance that I wanted to capture in these portraits.’ But the photographer was surprised by what he found. ‘What you may also see is delight’ says Sharkey. ‘That is the domain of a new generation. The sheer joy of being able to stand up and be seen without shame.’
The photographs in his Queer Kids album on his website are also wonderful. I especially like the statements by the subjects interspersed throughout the album.
This statement by Patrick from Glastonbury, CT for instance:
I realized I was gay pretty young, maybe 9th grade. I realized I was ‘queer’ this year, actually. I view those two things as very different. I like ‘queer’ a lot more. I feel like it’s a more confrontational identity that’s necessary when you are in such a marginalized position. It’s got a tough attitude about it that I like. ‘Gay’ is really nice and friendly and, you know, you’re friends with all the really nice girls and you look pretty and wear your v-neck sweaters and you want to maintain your privilege. You don’t want to step on anyone’s toes and your don’t want to be in-your-face. “Queer” is in-your-face and calling people out and not being afraid to speak your mind and that’s more me, more of what I am about. I like ‘queer.’ I am queer.
I like that fact that Patrick is not willing to be someone he’s not. He’s not willing to conform to some polite heteronormative simulation of gay manhood.
I also love the fact that many of these kids are gender queer as well. So gorgeous! Queer Kids album.
On his website he also has a Queer Kids video including a sequence that I take to be the gay prom. My daughter often talks about whether she’ll be able to take her hypothetical girlfriend to the prom. I look forward to that night!
Raising Queer Kids 