The Ugly Heart of Bullying

This post has made my morning: Unpacking Bullying posted at Trans/plant/portation.

The bullies themselves are not the core of the problem. It is families and society that teaches hate, intolerance and hurting others (sometimes just so they won’t hurt you) is the larger problem.

When a child decides to say something mean, they’re not necessarily (or often, for that matter) selecting a castigating remark based on what they think is the best “fit” for that target; they go straight for the thing they think is most hurtful. Often, that is a gay slur. They didn’t invent epithets, we adults taught it to them. We also showed them how to use these words with the sharpest points and manner of presentation possible. When we focus on bullies, we seem to forget that we ourselves are implicated in their behavior.

Education needs to happen at home, in our culture at large, and in schools – but it isn’t a message of “don’t bully” that the kids need it is a message about being strong and confident without kicking everyone else down so you can step on top of them.

The Food Chain

Yesterday my daughter and I were talking about bullying and the fact that it comes from families of origin, but the hate and fear is magnified by each kid’s own insecurities.

“So, the bully is so afraid of being at the bottom of the food chain that he pushes his way to the top so he can eat everyone else before they eat him?” That sums up part of the issue.

When I went to my daughter’s school to speak with her principal, I didn’t want to hear about the zero tolerance policy for bullying. By the time we are addressing incidents of harassment it is already too late. I wanted us to work together to teach the kids about diversity, acceptance, and the real ramifications of hate speech.

If a kid legitimately doesn’t know that “fag” isn’t a synonym for “stupid” he doesn’t understand that he is participating in LGBT bullying. Calling someone “stupid” isn’t okay either, but kids learn these terms from somewhere and they don’t always understand them. (I cringe when I recall my ignorant use of certain words – and I am appreciative that the adults who set me right did not humiliate me when they did)

The Big Picture

Safe and nurturing environments for our kids do not arise from simple assemblies about not bullying, but from inclusive education about the contributions of LGBT people throughout history, that gay families and straight families are more alike than dissimilar, that gender is not binary, and so on.

Let me leave you with the author’s last statement, but seriously go read the entire post:

We also affect how we think about bullies by focusing only on two extreme responses: the kids who commit suicide, and the kids who then hurt or kill other kids, as in the Columbine school massacre. But there are a whole host of other responses that get no media attention, and thus only a thin slice of the conversation. These are the kids who walk around with self-hatred, who insist they’re not gay for years longer than they may have otherwise, who become bitter or dysfunctional, who join ex-gay or gay reformer organizations, and so on, and that is another big price to pay for avoiding a subject or looking at only a few aspects of it.

We need to be more honest about LGBT/youth/LGBT youth suicide, because we care about human life and living it with happiness. This means we need to get honest with ourselves about how well we support our youngest generations’ emotional needs, and what we’re willing to do to make material improvements in their lives.

I am trying to nurture a strong, proud lesbian before the haters get to her. She already sees her identity as not hers alone, but part of a formidable community around the world and throughout time.

When I listen to her recount what happens in school I hear her interpreting the slurs of other children as attacks on all women or all queers – not just her. She seems to regard the world as having teams, some that support all that is best about LGBT-ness, and another made up of a disorganized set of people who are “narrow-minded and ignorant.” The ignorant, she believes might be educated, and the truly narrow-minded must not run amok without some push-back, but they are beyond wasting time on, especially when she could be swinging on the swings with her friends.

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3 Comments on “The Ugly Heart of Bullying”

  1. Anonymous says:

    This post reminds me of a time when I was a young kid (around 6 -8) and I called my brother a nymphomaniac. I was angry… really angry at him and I searched for the worst thing I could say to him in order to hurt him. I didn’t know what a nymphomaniac was, but I must have heard it said by someone that was using it in a very derogatory way. Honestly I don’t remember hearing it, but I do remember saying it and how I felt when I was searching for what to call him!

    My mother overheard me and asked me what it meant. I got confused and couldn’t answer her. She told me off good and proper and told me not to use words that I didn’t understand. I never called someone a nymphomaniac again. I read the link and agree that we are not addressing the real issue when we just look at bullying as the problem. There is no doubt that it is a contributor, but we need to address the underlying cause which is that they learn it from their families, friends and society at large.

  2. Just have to say I really enjoy reading these… and thank you…

    Been refering the sight to others, I hope they check it out!

    all my love,

    ~jamie @ this positive life

  3. Queer Kid's Mom says:

    Thanks for the comments and support.

    @anonymous – I have two incidents like yours burned into my memory – times when I used a word I didn’t understand. I am so thankful that decent people educated me.


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